But I Don’t Waaaaaant To….
The other day, I wrote about struggling to always see what there is to love about teaching. I guess you could say I’m kind of in a funk right now when it comes to teaching. I think I resent it. Basically, right now, teaching is being a douche bag and mocking me every moment of every day.
It has taken over my life. My brain. My “free” time. My desk. My wallet. My library card. My posture. (Have you ever stopped to think about what a typical teacher bag weighs?)
Don’t get me wrong. I love teaching. Teachers. Students. Books. I love planning new units of study, coming up with ways to spice up my classroom, discovering a new incentive to pump up my friends. I will gladly nerd out with the best of them and talk educational theory, practice, policy, you name it, I will talk about it and talk about it with a smile on my face and a pocket protector in my heart.
But do you know what else I love? Shoes. Cooking. Reading. A good cup of coffee. Drinking cocktails. Being outside. Feeling in the moment without the constant tug back to the classroom, back to teaching, back to all things education.
Do you know what else I would like to do? Finish the painting I started for Mini’s birthday. (It was five months ago.) Finish my book. Finish a conversation without feeling guilty that I’m not doing something education related.
I am aware that when we accept this job (dare I say accept this “calling?”) into our hearts and minds, we accept it with the knowledge that it will quickly come a defining part of our identities. It is who we want to be, who we are and can’t deny. But for the love of all things organized I want to be able to do something else without feeling guilty about the stack of books, the pile of papers, the unfinished articles that sit mocking me from my desk.
What is it about teaching and feeling guilty? About being a teacher and feeling like we have to be a super hero at every moment of every day?
Let me paint you a picture. My house. Sunday afternoon. Mini is napping away. Mr. Mimi is sipping coffee and enjoying the latest DVRed episode of No Reservations. (He loves him some Anthony Bourdain.) Despite being an incredibly hard worker who recently began his own successful company, he is relaxed. I want to sit with him. I want a cup of coffee. But the idea of taking the time to get a cup of coffee when I could be at my desk working on the latest unit I’ve agreed to write makes me want to claw my eyes out with that sort of insanity! Why that’s two minutes I could use to get something done?!? The waste!
And then what do I do? I sit at my computer and throw myself a pity party and get next to nothing accomplished!
This post should come complete with a downloadable violin solo to play while reading because I acknowledge that I’m whining, but eeeeeeeeeehhhhhh. (That was my attempt to spell what whining sounds like.) When I get this out of balance, I can’t get anything done. When I’m balanced, I could negotiate a peace treaty, finish the laundry and organize a fundraiser for displaced cats all while shopping online for fabulous shoes and without batting an eyelash.
Must. Find. Balance.
Now somebody send me a cup of coffee. I have work to do.
Here’s hoping you are having a much more balanced weekend.