A Rookie Mistake

Happy Holidays everyone!! As you may have noticed, I took a bit of a blogging hiatus over the vacation. But it was worth it because after my first full day back (sigh), I am actually (dare I say it?), feeling happy and re-energized?!?!? Quick, someone knock on wood because who knows how long it will last!!

I probably should have blogged this pre-holidays, but I was NOT feeling energized and refreshed at all as I hysterically attempted to pack gifts, wrapping paper and clothes to visit my in-laws for the holidays. Let’s just say I was not filled with holiday cheer…but this little gem was stored in the back of my mind just WAITING to be blogged. It’s good.

So, imagine for a moment the day before the holiday break. For those of you who don’t teach, it’s like keeping a lid on a boiling pot of insanely over-excited crazy people. We are sugared up, sleep deprived, over excited and counting the minutes until the end of the day. We have completed the requisite holiday-non-religious-or-overly-specific craft and are shining with a fresh coat of glue and glitter. Bags are packed, holiday homework packets are passed out and there are STILL fifteen minutes before I can bring them downstairs to be dismissed (damn!). Being FIVE minutes early makes you look on top of your shite, but being FIFTEEN mintues early to the auditorium makes you look like a strung out lazy jerk and you know I’m all about appearances.

And in that fifteen minutes, I made the fatal mistake of agreeing to opening my presents in front of the class.

Keep in mind, I have taught for seven years. I should know better.

Shame on me.

We gather on the carpet. Quite a few children have generously brought me a gift this year. Honestly, I don’t expect much and would be very happy with a thoughtful drawing or something, but many of my parents are amazing and have sent something in. I even have one friend who saved his allowance for three weeks to but a gift for me. I mean, COME ON!

We are mid love-fest as I unwrap the usual mugs, scented candles, assorted lotions and soaps. Apparently I smell. But I am choosing not to be offended. Everyone is excited and giggly as I unwrap their gift.

And then I get to a beautifully wrapped shirt box from my friend who we will call Braids. (She always has them). Braids can barely contain herself.

Braids: Open it! Just rip off the paper!
Me: But it’s so pretty…
Braids: I picked it out myself. For you…
Me: That’s very sweet.
Braids: It’s for Mr. Mimi too.

(That was a KEY piece of information. Also remember that she said she picked this out HERSELF.)

I pull out the box, and open the lid as Braids practically pees in her pants because she is so excited….

It’s….

(Oh my God!)

(Are you sitting down?)

A BRIGHT RED NIGHTIE AND A BLACK G-STRING!!!!!

I am so serious.

It’s OK. Take a moment. I had to.

Me: Wow!! How lovely!
(Which I managed to say as I scramble to put the lingerie back into the box a.s.a.p. so that EVERYONE doesn’t have the opportunity to bask in this gift’s inappropriate glory.)

Braids: My mom says you can use it to have babies.

Oh dear.

I guess it’s the thought that counts?